Thank you, friend

Big Friendship begins with a thank you note expressed through the authors’ dedications:

For Amina. 
Thank you for risking yourself for me again and again

For Ann. 
You are worth it. I hope we find each other in every lifetime. 

From there, these two long-distance besties look at the beginning, care, and nuances of their friendship and ask how society prioritizes and positions friendship. Their reflections lead to questions and possible solutions. For example, when exploring the challenges of feeling close after a decade of friendship and ever expanding responsibilities, they ask how to prevent a friendship from getting cold (190). When digging into this question, they learn from Professor Emily Langan’s research on attachment and close friendships that ritual, assurances, and openness (190) keep friendships resilient (193), not for the sake of keeping friendships going, but so we can stay resilient through change and hardship (197).

I’ve noticed this in my own friendships as I’ve leaned on them during my current career transition.

Amina and Ann apply “stretching” as a kinesthetic metaphor to friendship: “Stretching…describe[s] all the ways our friends expand our world, challenge us, and inspire us to change.”

How do we build the friendship muscle through change? Stretching. We’ll be more flexible, reciprocal, and challenged.

We need to stretch, and sometimes we don’t know we need to, but each gesture, no matter how grand or subtle, makes it undoubtable when you stretch for me and I for you.

During the opening credits of The Big Chill, Meg Tilly’s character, Chloe, is stretching. Chloe is the outsider, the girlfriend of Nick who passed away. Nick is who brought the college friends together in the beginning then at his end. The eight friends have not stretched for each other, lost touch, were unaware of Nick’s condition, and strained to know what his death means to them, their relationships, and his memory.

Chloe and the Big Friendship authors inspire another question - when there’s an ending, to a friendship, to our past relationship, to a friend, how do we keep stretching?

I still remember Amina and Ann’s Call Your Girlfriend podcast episode from July 10, 2020. I was in my apartment kitchen in Austin, TX, cooking lunch listening to them announce the publication of Big Friendship. The sun poured into my apartment, and my earbuds filled with their excitement over unpacking the first hard copies and finding out their ISBN number.

At that time, it was the first summer of COVID, and protests around the country demanded justice for George Floyd, Breonna Taylor, and how to reckon with privilege, oppression, and policing. It was a time of social distancing but needing to face each other, including ourselves, up close.

I needed to stretch for my friend in Minneapolis, stretch for my friends everywhere, and share how we were really doing. Our friendships depended on ritual (texts and calls), assurances (I’m here for you), and openness (how can I support you? how are you getting through?)

The world, myself, and how I read and relate to Big Friendship has changed—where before I compared and learned from Amina and Ann’s story and research on friendship. Now I notice differences and similarities in my friendship and applications of Big Friendship, such as time (300 hours needed to make and keep a friend), intersectionality, and reinforcing decisions and actions by noting which friendships are active, dormant, and connective (189).

When I watched The Big Chill with my dad when I was a teenager…which, cringe, watching this film with a parent because I didn’t understand/hadn’t experienced adult friendship, college, loss, and sex…the film seemed mature, emotional, and from an era I would never understand because I didn’t live within it. Music, culture that my parents had grown into, I wouldn’t. Watching the film now, I feel the tenderness, recognize the whiteness, and understand how grief streams through each of us in our own time, our own functionately messy, devastatingly storied way. How grief weighs on us is not a mystery, but it needs us to stretch.

I’m so grateful that I can stretch out a hand to the ones I know will reach out, too, like you.

I’m working on a friendship funshop called ‘Keeping in Touch: Maintaining Lifelong Friendships’, and I’ll reference Big Friendship in my course and syllabus.

Good Old Dog: Expert Advice for Keeping Your Aging Dog Happy, Healthy, and Comfortable by the Faculty of the Cummings School of Veterinary Medicine at Tufts University; Edited by Nicholas Dodman, BVMS, with Lawrence Lindner.

When uncertainty persists (hiiii 2020s), the answer to our questions may be right in front of us. Bibliomancy is a form of divination that may offer an answer to a dilemma by flipping to a random page in a book and interpreting the passage (Smithsonian Magazine).

Here’s a passage from Big Friendship (Chosen Family chapter, page 51) after asking:

How do I find the right words to say what a friend means to me? 

Ann was calm and steady. She didn’t need to know every single detail of why the lunch felt so disastrous—all she needed was to see that her friend was upset. 

Ann stood up, walked into the bedroom, and called to Aminatou, “Do you want a Xanax?” 

Yes. Aminatou very much needed a Xanax. But more than anything, she had needed to know that being overly emotional would not cause this new friend to run away. Growing up, she had internalized the idea that strong displays of emotion were to be avoided at all cost—otherwise people wouldn’t want to be around you. In the moment, Ann had passed a test that Aminatou hadn’t realized she was administering. It was also when Aminatou realized that she needed to open her eyes to the fact that Anne was showing up for her in a real way. She settled into a new level of security in the friendship. 

Many moments come to mind when my needs were met in the different ways my friends show up:

I’m so grateful for how my friends show up in their own special ways. I’ll be sure to tell them such.

Have you found the right words to tell a friend what they mean to you? Text, write, or call them now. It’ll make their day ❤  

This month I’m sending some shine over to the wonderful members of my Mindset Reset cohort through the Neighborhood Development Center. Each Monday for 6 weeks we met to discuss how to be mentally strong and cared for as business owners. 

Dr. Ayanna Quamina led a caring, holistic, and affirming series.

Ericka showed up with joy, like always.

Shaya is building up her bookstore. Read how her story started.

Rasheda modeled and reminded us that R.E.S.T. is best.

Bianca practiced ways to pour into her self.

Becca shared her experiences of teaching art and asked the group for community recommendations.

Chaz is helping business owners connect to people and resources through NDC’s Business Lab.

Finally, a big-hearted shout-out to local improv group Fantastic Voyage! Subscribe to laughs